Avoidant attachment style is a common condition seen in people who have difficulty with emotional attachment and expressing themselves in relationships. These people find their relationships and closeness emotionally and physically restrictive and disturbing.
They describe themselves with words like “free spirit” and “lone traveler” and even if they are in a relationship and are committed to that relationship, they always try to keep the other person within certain boundaries and at a distance.
The avoidantly attached person despises neediness and dependence on their partner and may describe this as a restrictive life.
Avoidant people are not very clear about their feelings, the other party questions them about their feelings and expects an explanation, while avoidantly attached people have a complex mindset and are generally closed to communication.
They believe that explaining and discussing things in a respectful manner will be insoluble and no different than a fight. They tend to perceive conversations negatively and avoid details. They describe their partners as dependent, needy, afraid and quick-witted individuals.
Wanting someone in their life but keeping them away from them has a serious relationship with their beliefs and perspective. When they don't feel free, cutting out the anxious partner creates a safe space for them. They have clear truths and relationship patterns about relationships.
X: 40-year-old male, in a 5-year relationship. He is freedom-loving and does not want to get married. He and his partner love each other, but X feels that something is not going well in their relationship. There is a situation where he is not satisfied.
He sometimes thinks about how exciting relationships should be and thinks that there is someone better out there where he can find this excitement.
Y: A 30-year-old woman wants a serious relationship. She says she knows exactly what she wants and is waiting for the right person. She wants someone who is 30-35 years old, has a good job, a career, travels frequently, wants to live abroad, can draw boundaries with her family, has a wide social circle, and regularly continues her favorite hobbies.
Z: 40 year old man, married to a woman he fell in love with at first sight for 24 years. After having his first child, he felt trapped and is looking for an opportunity to spend time alone.
He makes a lot of plans by himself, goes to his hometown and creates free spaces for himself, he is the individual party in the relationship.
In all three examples, we can say that the avoidant attachment style is evident whether or not they are in a relationship. Avoidantly attached people feel deeply lonely when they are in a relationship and look for faults in potential candidates if they are not in a relationship.
What they cannot accept is actually allowing a connection to be established and not sabotaging a situation that is going well.
If you are avoidantly attached, you allow the relationship to happen, but deep down in your mind there is always a fault-finding and escape plan. “Let there be someone and not be close to me.” Sabotaging the relationship is something avoidantly attached people often do.
Since they have no faith in the relationship and don’t want it, they either choose a difficult partner, look for faults, or wait for the other party to leave.