It's me your favorite writer @JaneposhElendu .
It's been a long while and I hope you all are fine cause I miss everyone here .
It's been a while I visited you because I've been tired, broken ,down, depressed and frustrated so I lost my passion and zeal to wrte even though I watched my coach complain highly of my inactiveness and non-involvement these days on STEEMIT.
So today I decided to act stronger than my pain before my pain eats me up and my worries tear me in pieces.
It's 2:30am I woke up to write and I'm deeply sad to say that it was worry that woke me up from sleep, worried and devastated because I have a lot of things on my mind.
I've been feeling more like a failure in many things around me, I'm lonely and left in the darkest part of my life where friends and family couldn't do anything, not even call nor assistance.
I know at this point you're probably thinking about what could be this worry I have or the challenge I'm going through now? anyway I'll tell you.
it's been seven(7) I graduated from school and being a bright student I've always wanted to return back to school, that was my dream but before I could make it out of secondary School my academic pillar (mom ) became very sick, so sick that she stopoed working and so this made graduating from secondary School a big challenge but then I started working during holidays and academic sessions to scale my self through secondary school and of which I graduated as the brightest student during my time.
Three years after I left school life was more of taking care of my sick mom and striving really hard to eat, shield and clothe myself and family.
I've always felt this big and heavier burden in my heart and higher responsibility to take care of so I stood my ground and support not just myself but the family.
Now, it's already seven (7) years and it feels just like yesterday and I'm still trying to go to school, I sat for jamb and post UTME exams and I got an excellent results which gave me admission at the University of my choice.
while I was still on my process of getting this admission I had no family support but only few friends. I can remember my stepsister telling me “God will help you " when I told her I just got admission thinking that she'll support me but what was I thinking anyway since she has never been there for me neither can I even boast of a pen or pencil she had ever given me for my study but her daughter who I'm older than is already a university graduate yet she claim to be too bankrupt to support with anything.
Nobody from family and friends actually cares now and I've been filled with this burden asking myself why things are always difficult in my life and why I can't just have this one thing I've always wanted (education). I miss my mom because I know that if she were to be alive and healthy I ought to have been done with schooling before now.
I know you're probably Wondering if my Dad is here, if course yes but it's just of no use because even him haven't been taking care of me like a father should.
I don't want my children to suffer what I've gone through in life, I want to able to give them a better Life more than I ever had while growing up.
I know that there are many things I need to take care of in my life, things that I know only me and no one else can change or do for me, things I know only grace and Hard-work can. get for me.
I want to have a good life, one that I can get to have everything good I've prayed for like education, good health, financial breakthrough and Happy marriage.
But now, I'm in pain, so much pain that I don't know whom to relate to but God, myself and STEEMIT. even as I type this I have tears rolling down my chick uncontrollably .
Now, I'm left with this admission.
I've been waiting for a miracle to Happen but none has and even as I speak now my course mate have started school and life feels like “If you have no money you're nothing to live and boast of"
indeed life have given me a strong stone and it's very difficult to swallow because I'm choked and exhausted I've lost the strength to try anything at all because I feel like a loser and I wish I can get someone to tell me I'm not.
I'm getting slimmer day after day and I don't want to continue like this so I want to call it a quit, maybe in my next world I can be born in a better family and have my dream of becoming a Graduate come true.
I'm just so sad because I known how much I'll really love to help people attain more heights in life but clearly I can't give what I don't have so I'm giving up because I've lost hope.
It's said that ,“when life gives you lemon, make lemonade" but I can attest to you that I can't squeeze out any juice out of these lemons anymore.
I've lost the strength to try again and I'm too shameful to say this openly that I got admission but yet lacked the financial capacity to pay for my tuition.
I Know a lot of people will have their different opinions and views after reading this but what can I say but that I tried because there isn't harm in trying and that's it's better to fail to Succeed than not trying at all.
Writing this actually makes me feel better because I have someone to talk to (STEEMIANS) and this is the best family and friends I have now, it's a place I feel comforted, accepted and important in.
I may have given up on my academic but I won't give up on life even though I don't know how to start all over again but I pray I find strength and courage to do that.
Thank you for visiting my blog again.
please let me know if there's anything you will love me to write about.
I love STEEMIT ♥️