Spiritual life is my real life goal to achieve by the help and mercy of God

To live in eternal joy and happiness is my goal all along and that will just happen if I would be worthy of going to heaven with God because all of the things here in this world is just temporary.

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I've been sick even at the time that my mother was conceiving me because according to her, I was just a calm baby in her womb during those later stages of her pregnancy which made her to think that I was a girl that they were trying to have because my two older brothers were born already before me. So of course to her surprise I was a boy the moment I left my mother's womb. there was no ultrasound back then, nor maybe my mother just went to the old style of conceiving a baby where there is no doctor's monitoring which my mother could have took in considering so that at least mine along with my sibling's health statuses while we were just being conceived up to our birth had gotten guarded from a possible life-turning catastrophe particularly for my case which is the weakest among my siblings. There were no test like a newborn screening in those years which is why it will depend on your fate on how the rest of your life would turn into.

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I've spent all of my life being sick all the time right from being in my mother's womb to now where I am suffering more than ever because of the decades of being a dialysis patient.

Now, because of an undetected health compromise with regards to my "hyperimmune" system, the symptoms showed even I still a baby like being anemic and such plus maybe my "mild" epilepsy also played some role too or is also a part of the general symptom of what killed both of my Kidneys in my your years of stay here on earth. I am still thankful that my autoimmune disease didn't affected my heart but my Kidneys but of course, having a non-functioning Kidneys is just making me feel the daily torture because I am not getting the best cleaning factor from my dialysis treatments already. I am already feeling the symptoms at an early age with lots of headaches, a weaker than normal body, plus the effects of anemia on my mental performance during school, chronic fatigue, edema of the face and legs, loin pain, pissing tea-colored to bubbly urine (which is not painful by the way), recurring fevers at the early stages, and the general feeling of ill health in between to finally being a dialysis patient where normality is never the same even though I am frequently dialyzed.

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I've been dealing with a toxic body now which is causing me to not enjoy my life anymore and the only hope that I can feel much better is not to live in this anymore but to that "other" life which is free from hardships like I am experiencing now.

All the while I was contemplating about the "security" of my soul, meaning that if I die at least I have to get a chance to go to heaven because I basically had a fucked-up life already particularly now that I learned that a Kidney transplant is not possible anymore. And so I became more spiritual enough that I changed my religion so that I can be better prepared if I happen to go to heaven when I die. All long my life mission was to be worthy of God's mercy to a better life which is the "Real life with God" now that I am always feeling that I do not being here anymore because I do not fit anymore in society in general which is why leaning on to target the real life is my life mission for many years already and that all the good things that I had acquire in this lifetime are just bonuses to which I thank God for. Someday I will not even look at this "former" life that I experienced because I am already living in eternity with ease and joy which I had been craving and wanting to have and not like this where everyday is a struggle with no more chance of getting a much better quality of life anymore.

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Being an oddball myself in this world had convinced me that I must get into heaven where non of all the negative factors are non-existent anymore and I will be appreciating it more than anyone else because of the way that my physical life had been from these later years of my life.