Remembering that instance when I almost killed myself with barbiturates
It was serious, it was bad, I could have ended my life just like that.
A few years before my Kidneys got busted I started to suffer from severe insomnia to the point that my eyes would hurt trying to shut them down so that I can at least have a few minutes of sleep. I didn't get up from my bed until I had some form of sleep because I know that if I would lose sleep for more than two days it will affect my brain.
The insomnia had continued all throughout the rest of my dialysis life until my hemoglobin had miraculously improved on its own around the year 2015 or so characterized by my appetite improvement and being able to catch some natural sleep even though it was just a few hours a day due to my way off dry weight which lead me to breathlessness that actually also affects my sleep quality.
The years before that especially in the first few years I was trying sleeping medications. I often resort to fashioning my own prescription with pertinent information and then faking a made-up doctor complete with license numbers for such sleep aid medications.
Those sleep medications do not really work, what they do is that they shut your brain of its activity while sleeping which is why you do not get a healthy REM sleep. You sometimes get only a few minutes of REM maybe if the sleeping pill wears out before you wake-up.
Also the sleeping pills that I took made me had an accident on my bike, I lost my balance as if I was trying to learn how to bike. Thankfully I was on a bike and had it been a motorcycle that I riding that day it would have ended pretty bad for me.
Sometimes the sleeping pills makes me feel dizzy and sometimes others doesn't really work. Then considering their high cost I stopped taking them until I had the ideation of maybe barbiturates will work.
There are different kinds of barbiturates, some act fast but wears out fast. It maybe good to initialize your sleep but not to maintain it longer especially if you do suffer from insomnia. The other type is intermediate-acting, meaning it lasts longer in your system. Then the likes of Phenobarbital which is really longer lasting and is actually used for epilepsy so that the patients seizures can be controlled longer in-between the daily dose of it.
That was the one that I took, Phenobarbital, it is because I am so desperate to get some good sleep. At first I was only taking 6 tablets of 90 mg each, it is actually an overdose. But I am not taking it everyday since the effect of the pill is long-lasting. It did gave me some sleep alright but excessive amounts of it but only being washed away after my dialysis.
Then one night I thought that I should take more. I did took more than 6 tablets then a few more. I took an additional tablets after that and some of the tablets dropped on my bed, it was dark so I tried to pick the ones that dropped and took them as well not knowing that later I found out that I wasn't able to pick all the ones that dropped on my bed because my family had seen it after they took me to the hospital foaming in the mouth and unconscious.
In the hospital my brain was CT scanned and they saw that there is no activity in my brain. I was technically in a comatose state. But what brought me back was the series of dialysis that I had, basically cleansed my body from Barbiturate intoxication. None of the doctors knew or ad any clue what was the cause of my being unconscious at that time and I never told them anything as well.
My mother discovered the bottle of barbiturates in my drawer but since I took the label off she never knew what it was but she threw away the contents out the window. After a couple of dialysis I regain my consciousness and the first thing I saw was the wall of the hospital room, I am left to sleep on my side for some reason.
Then I realized after coming to my senses, "Oh no, I fucked up" I was so weak getting up and my speech just slurred. My eyes couldn't focus on what I am looking at because the eyeballs would veer down as if the eye muscles lost its strength. That was what I felt after most of the barbiturates got washed off from my system and after a few days I am back to normality again. And so I nearly died had I not been taken to the hospital and dialyzed a few times.
Thankfully Barbiturates can be taken off from the blood via dialysis process. SO if you have a better dialyzer for that matter with a decent blood pump you will be able to go home washed completely from an overdose if not all the symptoms are relieved.
After that I never took any form of sleeping pills, they do not work to normalize your sleep, they are just a temporary relief, they are addictive, expensive, and may very well end your life like what happened to me. I just focused on the finding the cause of my insomnia which is my anemia and worked on it until improvements about my anemia gave some level of frredom from that insidious chronic insomnia.